It sure doesn’t seem like I’m getting off to a good start with this blog. Sure, I add pictures and jokes and inspirational quotes, but that really has nothing to do with me. This was supposed to be a way for me to be creative and express my feelings and thoughts. Having said that, I am not giving up. This is indicative of how my life is going at the moment as well. Nothing really wrong, but I feel I’m heading off course. Well, I’ve been taught that when this happens you go back to the basics and that is what I’m going to do.
I really need to follow a schedule. A strict one. Left to my own devices I end up getting nothing done. Nothing productive anyway. I can tell myself that its okay to have a day of relaxation, a mental health day, everyone needs to. However, my mental health day easily turns into a mental health week, month, and so on. When I have a healthy routine to follow I am productive and happy. So, back to my calendar it is!
I had a small surgery on Wednesday, literally the whole trip to hospital, surgery and back to home took 5 hours. I was groggy and tired and sore when I arrived home and went straight to bed. In preparation for feeling this way I had asked a friend to stay with me for a couple days. Having a houseguest completely threw me off track. Not only was I not following my daily routine, but my place felt more cluttered and I wasn’t keeping up with my usual tidyness. (hence the need for him to stay with me – I had forgotten he is not so tidy) I must admit that by today I was getting more than cranky and I guess he had enough because he went home. Don’t really blame him, I can be a royal bitch when I’m aggravated. The experience has pointed out a couple of things:
1. I need a routine for my day (and my life)
2. When I get off track, my mind thinks crazy thoughts and my old behaviours and attitudes quickly reappear
We don’t want that to happen. So, I went to a meeting today. I haven’t been to one since Tuesday and I really needed to spend some time with other crazy people who understand how warped I can be. It was just what I needed, very comfortable.
It amazes me how quickly my spirituality can slip away and I can shift from a place of love to a place of fear. I become impatient, intolerant, jealous, angry and resentful. And mean. To think I lived that way day in and day out for 40ish years, how unbearable.
I wouldn’t give up what I have today for anything. That means that I need to continue to work on myself, and be teachable and open everyday. Its worth it. What I have today are glimpses of serenity and a whisper of peace.
Thank you, Great Spirit, for grace and mercy.